Memories have shaped me

When I was a little girl, my mom would drop me off at preschool very early in the morning. She would walk me into my classroom, kiss me goodbye and then I would run to one of two windows to wave goodbye to her as she drove away. The deal was that she’d stop the car, wave and blow me a kiss at the first window and then I’d move to the second one, where she’d repeat the ritual before driving out of the parking lot to work. I think she may have forgot exactly once. But she always remembered, put her car into reverse and drove through again, to wave to little Megan. While I remember the uncertainty in those moments, what I remember more is that she always came back. She always came back.

I have friends who tease me about my need to say a proper goodbye or the way I like to straighten my desk before I leave for the day. But it’s these little things that make me feel good, that assure me that even though I can’t control the next moments, I’ve made things okay in a tiny way. I realize this is an odd quirk. Oh well. Maybe it’s a morbid way to live, but I spend a lot of time thinking about the just in case. I like feeling like loose ends are tied up, like all is well. And while I know that life can never be fully planned and that try as I might, I cannot anticipate everything, I like to feel like I’ve done my best to set things right whenever possible.

At the end of the day, it boils down to this: I worry sometimes that the people who fill my everyday, the ones whose bodies fill my house, names litter my inbox and text messages, the family and  friends I call when I’m happy or sad or just want to shoot the breeze, don’t realize how much I treasure them. It’s sometimes difficult to say those things but the truth is that I think it all the time. The words catch in my throat and I’m quick with a joke, but I try to say it wordlessly when I turn back for a second hug, inhale their smell when we part ways. It’s just my way of waving through those two windows, the way one of the women I love the most always did for me.