The Color Of Fear

It comes in all shades and hues.

Most recently the color of her black rimmed blue eyes set far back in her smooth newly pale white bald head.

Or is it clear? The color of multiple amounts of salty tears falling freely down faces.

Nothing is colored beautiful as long as her light blues portray the color Cancer.

She's My Best Friend

and..... she is my Sister.

AND she has cancer.

AnD

I

H
A
T
E

everything about it.

34 @ 34

1.  Mistakes are just lessons learned the hard way.

2.  The perfect diet does not exist

3.  Always greet people with a smile.

4.  You can't control other people, only your reactions to them.

5.  Everyone is your equal... wait.... what?

6.  We are all just trying to figure our complications out.

7.  It turns out tanning can kill you.. pale is in !

8.  Friends come and go and that's okay.

9.  We live in a cause-and-effect world, so if you don't like the effect, change the cause.

10.  If it tastes delicious, it's bad for you. TRUE STORY

11.  Your looks don't make you ugly, but your  personality just might.

12.  Smiles are beautiful.

13.  Laughter is the best medicine... and, whoever said that is a bad liar.

14.  Duck face does not make you look sexy.... lets post some new pics girls.. really.

15.  Neither do bathroom pics.

16.  Grey hair is not so easy to cover these days.

17.  Confidence is attractive.

18.  Persistence overcomes resistance.

19.  Consistency is the key to results... I will forever be learning this

20.  Habits are hard to break.... *(see previous line)

21.  If you find yourself bored a lot, know that life is not boring...you are.

22.  You can tell a lot about how a  person's views themselves by how they talk about other people.

23.  Family is irreplaceable

24.  The only limits you have are those you believe in..... (I read that somewhere.. complete junk)

25.  God is abundant.

26.  Walking away from a fight does not make you weak.  In fact, it makes you the opposite.

27.  There is nothing wrong with getting what you want as long as your intent is pure.

28.  Cancer knows no boundries in what it will and won't take.

29.  God is good period.

30.  Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy shoes, which is practically the same thing.

31.  If there is negative energy in your life, it is there because you allowed it.

32.  Husbands are not perfect, nor will they ever be so you might as well learn it in the beginning.

33.  Find something you're passionate about and do it.  Life is too short to do anything else.

34.  Im saved by grace, and its because of Gods grace I can walk freely in the knowledge of just who I am.

Fat Girls Shop. Too

I Love Fashion.

Not exactly a profound statement. But for someone who looks like me, and has looked like me throughout the last several years, it's been a hard one.

For years I have felt shut out of the Fashion Process.

What's that clothing industry? You're giving me Torrid, AND Lane Bryant? WOW! You really shouldn't have. NO Really....

You shouldn't have.

Cause' thankfully now I can buy super expensive clothes that some what resemble the clothes that everyone else on the face of the planet is wearing.

Cheaper plus size shops pop up here and there, and it's nice to have a more affordable option but let's face it... who wants to wear Tweety Bird or Long Flannel House Dresses?

Why should they design for plus size? Not to mention when I go to Old Navy or even Gap the large sizes are all gone cause you know they only carried 2 to begin with, and I'm left with extra small or size 0 to choose from cause they had 50 of those on order.

There clearly isn't a profitable market for plus size women. I mean that's just basic math right?

Thankfully, they ALLOW us to order online because you know if there is anyone who doesn't need to try on clothes it's plus size women right?

 WAIT, is this our real life Hunger Games? A way for the clothing manufacturers to remind us that we are less than, and to be thankful for the XXL bone they toss to every shipment leaving us to square off with the other curvy girl that needs the shirt, probably just as badly, you know, to have something cute,to eat in?

And then something snapped. I found this. My how we have changed.



Motivation.

I've spent the last year getting to know my body.re-learning how to dress it, and with that returned my love of fashion.

I've decided I don't want to feel shut out anymore. I am a person worth designing for.

So what's wrong with a plus size body?

Not a blasted thing!!

Fat, thin, whatever... I'm Me, and I'm done hiding behind society's stereo types of what I should be.

On MY Soap Box

I love a good sassy quote as much as the next person. 

I am not offended by truth, and, though I try not to find humor in mean-spiritedness, I will laugh at something the masses might find offensive.  I believe in being upfront and truthful, and I also believe that what you put out there is what you get back.  I'm sassy, I get that back.  Sometimes I'm kind and gentle, and I get that back.  When I'm a jerk, well, I get that back, too, though I try to walk away from those times with either a lesson or a victory.

The truth is, I'm more and more conscious of  putting positive energy into my interactions with people (I'm not saying I always do so, I'm saying most times, that is my intent).  I believe that if you're positive first, you're likely to get that back.

There are times I struggle with this, but as a general rule, I try to smile and make eye contact with everyone I meet.  And, given the choice between arguing with someone and walking away, I almost always walk away.  I'm very particular about who gets to see my ugly side.

So when I ran across a quote I'd seen on Facebook a few times, I wrinkled my nose at it and rolled my eyes.  While I could see the intent behind it, I did not at all agree with the message.  The quote I'm talking about is this:  "Don't confuse my personality with my attitude.  My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."

No.  No, no, no.

Actions speak louder than words, and your attitude towards others--no matter who it is or what they did!--absolutely defines who you are.  I've though it about a  million times that through trials I believe someones real character is revealed.

If you're letting another person dictate your actions, well, then, that speaks volumes about you as a person.  You probably don't know your own boundaries, you probably get upset with people when they (most likely unknowingly) step on those boundaries.  You probably think you're tough when you tell them off or put them in their "place."

But it's you who needs to know your own place.  Know who you are, know that how you interact with people is a huge part of who you are.  Know that when you enter into a situation, your attitude, your actions and words portray your character, your personality, your intentions.  Your very being.

So now I ask you:  who are you really, and are you letting the rest of the world see the real you in the right light? 

Rest assured, I am asking myself the same thing.

(Lesson learned).... I'll step down now

There's Wisdom In That

  Cause sometimes I think you just need to stop and smell the roses

Curtains

Sometimes I feel like my life is like this big set of stage curtains. It started out as this flaming red, beautiful and perfect thing. But as is the way of it, life has put all these rips, tears, frays and holes in that beautiful fabric. Some holes I’ve been able to patch up. Some patches are prettier and more well executed than others, and some are barely adhering with fabric glue. Some rips and tears haven’t been patched at all. Some probably never will be. For the most part, I’ve come to view all those seams and patches that make up the crazy quilt of my life as something that makes me more interesting and full of character. But that usually only comes after a bit of reflection on my part.

It’s been quiet around here.

When someone like me shuts the curtains and goes quiet, you are generally safe in assuming that it’s not anything awesome that is quelling my non-stop desire to chatter.

My life seems to follow a trend where things tend to happen all at once and often to big, dizzying degrees; both the good things and the bad things. I don’t want you to think that my life only has black rain clouds filling it…it doesn’t. I have had some huge, grand, beautiful and fabulous things happen to me; things I am so grateful and happy for.

But…

It’s been a bit rainy around here as of late and quite honestly, I haven’t wanted to talk about it because one, I didn’t want to sit here and just whine at you all. And two, I’m not even sure how I feel about a lot of it. And three,  many things beyond my control are in a purgatory state of waiting to see how they resolve. (Which pretty much sucks six ways from Sunday. Especially when the outlook is grim and there is nothing you can do about it.)

I had a lot of things hit me at once.

But it’s also time to pick myself up, brush myself off and start peeking my head out of the curtain, darnit!

I'm sick of feeling awful.

And I DO feel like I’m starting to get on the upswing of things. It’s been good to have time alone to think about things. To mourn the loss of some things and people and to ponder the future of others.

I’m not sure what is ahead of me.

Some of these changes are really big and deep and I admit…I still feel a little lost.  I have a hard time with big changes. But I also think that there will be something to fill all these tears and holes and spaces that have ripped through the fabric of my life lately.

And I just have to have faith it will be something awesome.


-Curtains

Something New

I have vowed to make the year 2012 all about CHANGE. Let me color this for you.

A Renewed Mind.

I have all these past issues haunting me from (insert year here).. yeah-- there's alot. I am learning to let go and Let God. Yes, very cliche but it's so true when you break it down and examine that phrase. It's time to let it all go!

A Healthier Body.

Let's face it, who doesn't want this? Okay Angelina Jolie maybe cause.. WELL look at her.. but I'm serious! I want to be healthy. I'm a 33 year old woman who wakes up each morning feeling like she's eleventy hundred years old. I ache in places that I didn't know could ache. (MUST EAT VEGGIES). I need to drop a tremendous amount of weight and this is the year it's going to happen... stay tuned for before and after pics.

A Beautiful Marriage.

Now to find the perfect husband.......JOKING hunny... totally kidding. My husband is wonderful but I'm a moody, discontented, irrational, has to have my way kinda gal sometimes.(wink wink). This alone will be the hardest to change. It's kind of built in ya know? But I will work on focusing on my own walk instead of trying to change his. We're in this for the long haul.. might as well make it a vacation instead of wandering around in the desert for 40 years.

A Better Mommy.

My daughter overnight has turned 13. Yes, crazy I know! I mean all of you mom's know what this is like. One minute they are cute gurgling little babies and then you blink and BAM you have a teenager. I regret so much when it comes to being her Mommy, most of all not enough time spent with her doing the things that are supposed to shape her into the miniature version of me (Lord help her). I want to make that extra time this year for those Mommy daughter dates that are vital.

Of course there is so much more that needs changing but just wanted to highlight the major categories. So with that said here goes nothing!

Happy New Year 2012!